Posts Tagged ‘megan fox’

Jennifer’s Body Review

There are three things that are completely unwelcome in horror films: voiceover narration, a rawkin’ soundtrack and witty teen dialogue. There are three things this film has in abundance: voiceover narration, a rawkin’ soundtrack and witty teen dialogue.

Coming off the back of the critically acclaimed Juno, a witty teen story about a witty teen with buckets of witty teen dialogue (are you seeing a trend here?), scriptwriter Diablo Cody has set about crafting a teen horror to prove her range of writing prowess. In addition, Megan Fox wants to prove herself as more than just the atypical sexy female lead in shitty movies. What a shame she’s chosen to play an atypical sexy female lead in a shitty movie.

The town of Devil’s Kettle is rocked to its core when a fire burns down their only bar and kills everyone inside. But it’s only a diversion – travelling band Low Shoulder started the fire in order to snare virgin Jennifer (Fox) and sacrifice her to the devil. Unfortunately for the town, Jennifer is not a virgin (no, duh?) and a succubus takes over her body, forcing her to feast on the flesh of boys to stay young and pretty. This means it’s all up to her best friend Needy (Amanda Seyfried – Lily Kane in Veronica Mars, the greatest TV show of all time) to send the bitch back to hell before her own boyfriend falls under the demon’s sexual spell.

Let’s get one thing out of the way first: Jennifer’s Body is complete and utter bullshit. It’s hard to pick out a single point for any kind of praise, so it’s probably best just to say that the dialogue – when not doing its best to halt the tension – is pretty good. You see, the issue with dialogue in horror films is because suspense is wordless. That slow skin-crawling feeling of fear and dread is not caused by watching teens be witty at each other and speak in such self-referential terms your parents will get confused. The defining moments of any horror film you can think of will, nine times out of ten, be purely visual in nature. Therefore a film that attempts to crowd practically every scene with dialogue in place of genuine tension will be shooting itself in the foot.

The CGI is atrocious, the acting is awful (with the exception of Amanda Seyfried), the story is abysmal, the horror is absent and the only reason anyone would seriously watch this is because Megan Fox’s character is a slutty nymphomaniac who plays tonsil tennis with Needy. It’s such a pathetic attempt to try and lure dumb teenage boys and their dads into seeing a shitty film that it’s genuinely insulting. It’s like the filmmakers actually loathe their audience.

If that’s not enough to put you off watching Jennifer’s Body then you may need your head examined. But you can’t say you weren’t warned – after all, it’s a movie as dumb and easily manipulated as Megan Fox’s own fan base.

1 star


Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

The first Transformers was a hit-and-miss affair, saved by some outstanding CGI robots and a few cracking action scenes. With that seemingly in mind, Michael Bay has pulled out all the stops this time and has come back with a film containing more action than dialogue.

Picking up a few years after Megatron was killed with the All-Spark, Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is going to college and continuing his improbable relationship with Mikaela (Megan Fox), while the Autobots hunt down Decepticons alongside NEST, the soldiers from the last movie. Unfortunately for everyone on Earth, the Decepticons manage to find and reawaken Megatron, who wants to bring his master, The Fallen, down to our planet.

To be honest, the plot is just an excuse for more robots to brawl in various cities around the world. Opening with a bombastic chase scene that is a) better than the finale battle of the last film and b) more visible, it sets a good standard for the rest of the film.

Unfortunately, there is so much going on outside the action that all the characters and dialogue is excruciating, from LaBeouf’s boring Sam, to the unfunny supporting characters, to the horrifyingly racist Twins to Megan Fox’s character that changes so often it seems that every line was written by a different person.

The action is great, but done so often it can leave you completely hollow: once you’ve seen one robot punch another, you’ve seen everything this film has to show you. Also, with the exception of a scant few, all the Transformers look identical again, while the sheer number of toys to be shifted leaves robots walking in and out of shot with no explanation.

It’ll satisfy the kids and fans of explosions, but nobody else – after all, that’s what Bay does best, right?